For the majority of my lifetime, I’ve existed in a snug center floor almost about the NFL Draft. I assumed concerning the draft. I learn the occasional mock draft. I typically learn little scouting capsules main as much as the draft. I chased rumors round whereas reminding everybody (and myself) that they meant nothing. I had prospects I cherished (Johnny Manziel) and ones I didn’t (Josh Allen). I casually tracked who was rising up draft boards and who wasn’t. After which I watched the primary spherical of draft with nice pleasure earlier than ennui set in and I began watching different shit in between picks. I wasn’t an authorized draftnik—a kind of freakshows who points their very own scouting experiences, aspiring to be Mel Kiper III. I additionally wasn’t one of many dipshit snobs who suppose that caring concerning the draft in any respect is a foolish factor. I had simply the correct quantity of emotional funding, maybe as a result of my staff was virtually at all times selecting in the midst of the order.
Circumstances have modified.
My staff wants a long-term quarterback, as do the Bears, Commanders, Patriots, Giants, Broncos, Raiders, Saints, Seahawks, Steelers, and, in fact, the Jets. And hey, wouldn’t you recognize it? That is one of the best quarterback class in ages. Oh, and the receiver depth of this draft can also be bananas. It’s additionally loaded up high at Edge, at OT, and possibly even at nook should you squint. I do know as a result of I’ve been learning this draft class and excited about it an important deal.
The truth is, it’s all I take into consideration. I rise up within the morning, DRAFT. I take a break from work, DRAFT. I end my work, DRAFT. I speak to my youngsters about their day, however all my mind is saying all through the dialog is DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT DRAFT. I lie down to fall asleep and I’m the proprietor of my staff, post-DRAFT, telling the press how over the moon I’m that we traded up with the Pats to grab one of many high prizes.
It’s mid-March, thoughts you. The draft is six goddamn weeks away. I must be excited about, and doing, different issues. There are two NCAA tournaments beginning. The NBA common season is starting to matter. I’ve a fourth novel to write down. Oh, and my spouse and I’ve to organize ourselves, each logistically and emotionally, for our daughter’s commencement and subsequent departure for school.
And but, the draft has me. I’ve develop into what I as soon as playfully mocked. I refresh Twitter each six seconds to see if my staff has swung one other commerce up. I’ve a Google Information seek for my staff bookmarked on my telephone which I examine consistently, though Google doesn’t work anymore. Then I search my staff’s title plus “Maye” or “Daniels” or, with some trepidation, “McCarthy” on Twitter, though Twitter doesn’t work anymore. Then I learn the identical tweets again and again as a result of nothing new has occurred. If some random pud proudly declares that X participant goes to X staff, I imagine 49 % of what they’re saying.
At night time, I watch full school soccer video games from final season. I binge-watch Kurt Warner’s Studyball breakdowns of the QB class. I even sprung for the $5 a month to subscribe to J.T. O’Sullivan’s Patreon, as a result of he put his movie research for this draft class behind his paywall, posting them to unlisted URLs on Rumble. Rumble! The draft has made me patronize Rumble! [looks in the mirror] WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME!
Worst of all, the draft has made me totally invested in foolish season. You understand how nugatory the majority of pre-draft information is. No staff has any incentive to tip their cap over the following few weeks. That is true even when their wants are evident (Denver) or once they’re selecting No. 1 total and may’t be stopped from drafting whomever they please (Chicago). Jack Dall’s finest Hollywood rule, “If somebody asks you to maintain a secret, their secret is a lie,” applies to the NFL for 3 straight months. Each staff is stuffed with shit, and each reporter they leak to is much more stuffed with it. What’s extra, no person is aware of how any of those gamers will prove. Did that cease me from clicking over to a website referred to as Sportskeeda and inhale a report that the Patriots don’t take care of Drake Maye? Nope. Did it cease me from believing that report? Nope. Did it cease me from forming my very own hierarchy of gamers, a few of whom I will need to have, and others I would like jailed? Nope. Do I belief scouting experiences, particularly in the event that they inform me what I wanna hear? Sure. Am I a fucking fool? Most definitely…
BUT.
However I’m having fun with this ignorance-riddled mania greater than I’ve loved any NFL offseason, ever. A good friend of mine as soon as advised me that, outdoors of successful a Tremendous Bowl, the lead-up to your staff drafting a brand new QB from the posh rack is one of the best time to be a fan. He was proper. I’m having a BALL. I’ve additionally realized a number of issues, most of which can show to be hideously unfaithful. However for now, they’re as factual to me because the grass rising outdoors my workplace window. Right here now are my findings from my time as a nascent draftnik.
• Caleb Williams is one of the best QB prospect within the universe and the one manner that the Bears will fuck him up is that if he will get harm. Additionally, their head coach is a boob, however I’ve watched nice QBs flourish beneath such dingbats earlier than. I concern that the Bears have their shit collectively.
• Drake Maye is legit. When he was paired with Williams as the highest QB within the draft earlier than the 2023 school soccer season even started, I made a wanking movement so livid that my dick opened one eye. I’ve seen greater than my justifiable share of tall white stiffs go excessive within the draft, and I understand how the story ends. The truth that Maye performed for North Carolina, and has the world’s most lacrosse title, solely made the TRUBISKY II register my head blink brighter.
Then I placed on the tape and realized that I used to be wanting on the subsequent Josh Allen (each massive QB prospect is the following Josh Allen). Maye can throw the ball out of the stadium, he can function a two-minute offense with command, he can run, and he get himself out of a jam. That’s an NFL quarterback, people. I’m able to commerce away one in every of my youngsters for this man. And SportsKars4Kids stated that the Pats don’t even need him! The truth is, I now imagine that Maye will likely be mine. It’s future. You’ll take the godfather provide, Bobby Kraft. You low-cost previous frog fuck.
(BTW my opinion on Maye is predicated solely on watching a single sport performed in opposition to Duke, plus a number of YouTube highlights. I extremely suggest watching that sport, particularly should you don’t know the result. It was enjoyable as shit. I could or could not have popped a gummy earlier than watching.)
• Jayden Daniels issues me. Sure, he ran for over 1,100 yards on 135 carries a season in the past, and he threw 40 TDs and accomplished over 72 % of his passes. The person is greased lightning. However he’s additionally skinny. I want him to load up on the Todd Steussie HGH earlier than I’m prepared to purchase in. Additionally, I watched Daniels play Florida State—which, not like Duke, was an precise soccer staff—and didn’t like how rapidly he bailed when rushers like Jared Verse have been sizzling on his ass. This man will get sacked so much. Ask Justin Fields what occurs to guys who love taking sacks.
(SCOUTING NOTE: I didn’t pop a gummy earlier than watching the Daniels sport.)
• However apparently the Commanders actually like Daniels, which implies Maye might fall to 3rd. I now must spend the following month and a half ready to see if that is truly true, my destiny resting on Washington passing on the QB I would like and New England being too dumb to remain proper the place they’re. However I efficiently manifested Kirk Cousins to Atlanta, and I’ll do likewise for this. Don’t fuck with my chi.
• I cherished watching Michael Penix final season. He by no means will get sacked and may throw the ball, with lethal accuracy, to the following county over. However each mock draft has him pegged as a low first-rounder, if not worse. It is because Penix has two ACL tears to his title and extra tread on his tires than a 50-year-old porn actor. He additionally has points throwing the ball between the numbers. So I nonetheless love him, however am now cautious.
• I don’t like Bo Nix. I noticed him play at Auburn and he was nugatory. Nothing he did at Oregon, the place he “drastically improved” and “led FBS in passing touchdowns” will change my thoughts about that. I’ve not watched any scouting tape of him. Nix and Penix are the comfort prizes of this draft. They’re the Samsung Galaxy telephone your mother obtained you for Christmas while you particularly requested for an iPhone. I assume I’d be pleased with Bo Nix as my savior-in-waiting, however I’d even be let down.
• J.J. McCarthy is a false flag. Each trendy draft has a predominant character: one participant each staff makes use of to mislead each different staff. Two years in the past, that participant was Malik Willis, who was pegged to go as excessive as No. 2. Final yr it was Will Levis, who obtained talked up because the potential No. 1 total. Each males obtained snubbed like Invoice Maher making an attempt to get into an Oscars afterparty.
Now comes McCarthy, who threw a grand whole of six passes in two years at Michigan and began off mock draft season down within the –nix tier of passers. However whoa hey, would you have a look at that? After flashing his pearly whites on the mix and posting an unbelievable time within the three-cone drill (I don’t actually know what this drill entails), he’s the following Tom Brady. Ask any agenda-free staff government talking beneath the quilt of anonymity!
J.J. McCarthy can throw a fastball, and he can scoot. He additionally misplaced a grand whole of 1 sport in two years as a starter at Michigan. comp for him may be Donovan McNabb … or Bryce Younger. Nobody is aware of. All I do know that O’Sullivan hates him, and that, “LOL you guys are drafting J.J. McCarthy” has develop into a dependable taunt between followers of determined groups. I simply obtained out of six years in jail with probably the most broadly ridiculed QB in soccer, so I’m too fragile for one more serving to of that. Particularly if it prices a shitload of firsts simply to draft the brand new man. I would like one of many marquee names at that value. I don’t need the second coming of A.J. McCarron. So listed below are my QB rankings proper now:
- Williams
- Maye
- Daniels
- Penix
- McCarthy
- Nix
As a result of for the entire legwork and number-crunching that goes into the draft, I, the fan, nonetheless secretly depend on the attention check greater than the rest. These eyes have deceived me on many events (see: Manziel), however I’ve improved on realizing what to search for. I can communicate the language now. I can see arm expertise. I can inform which QBs can layer the ball. I watch their ft. I take psychological notes anytime they cleanly reset after maneuvering within the pocket. And I do know if a man is constructed to take a beating. I can see all of that crystal clearly … till the top of April. Then the precise draft occurs and my visual field adjustments yet again. That is my mind on the draft. I wouldn’t have it every other manner.